Alright, here comes another vulnerable post about my life. I’m not always the best at opening up and expressing my feelings. But, that is why I’m in therapy. I can’t stand how people make therapy and counseling a taboo topic to discuss. I actually find it to be a really liberating experience. However, knowing that it’s not something that people regularly talk about with others, I wanted to take away that stigma and embrace my experience and share it with you all.
Mental health. Yes, it can be a scary subject to discuss, but it’s becoming a more and more mainstream topic of conversation. Now I will only be touching upon my own experiences and not giving a commentary about others. This is about me and a part of my process to get to know myself better through discussion with a trained professional.
I’ve been in and out of therapy since I was 11. Clearly, I did not voluntarily put myself in there, but was the work of my parents since they were getting a divorce. I know, I know, what a cliche, but it’s my life. I remember walking in my first day and crying because I had so much emotion I didn’t really know what to do with it. I was finally able to express a lot of feelings that I didn’t feel like I could outside of my own comfort zone. That zone pretty much only consisted of myself and my sister, but I didn’t want to burden her at the time because she was only nine. So having that space to talk and be vulnerable was a new and uncomfortable experience, but one I will always treasure.
My second round of therapy came when I was a junior in college. I was feeling a lot of pressure and a lot of uncomfortable moments within my own headspace, which is a place I should feel most comfortable. I went back to battle some demons, which I don’t think I was ready to acknowledge were there. The thing about therapy is that in order for it to be beneficial, you have to be open and honest. I don’t think that I was ready to be vulnerable and to dive deep into what was going on up in that brain of mine.
The third time I went was before my gastric sleeve surgery. Weight has always been an issue in my life, and one I do not talk about often, or with many people. I was finally making a decision, which now I consider to be the best one I’ve made in my life so far. It’s not easy to admit you have a problem, especially when it involves an activity that you need to do in order to survive. Therapy is highly recommended before this type of surgery because it clearly has a massive mental component to it. I really don’t know where I would be now if I hadn’t talked to someone.
Now, we come to the present. I have re-enlisted myself to getting back on the couch twice a week. A lot has happened in this past year that has led me to not be a version of myself I am particularly proud of. Yes, I have overcome a lot of obstacles, and I am doing pretty well, but I still feel like I have a lot to work on. That’s where I feel like people don’t want to get in and talk about what’s eating them up inside. It’s okay to admit that there’s something wrong. It’s okay to say that there’s something you want to work on about yourself. Vulnerability is something I’ve been working on, which is why I finally decided to write this. It’s not easy to let yourself go and show this part of yourself for others to criticize or speak upon. It’s a very personal, and somewhat uncomfortable thing. However, I don’t look at it as something to hide anymore.